The Ocean

wherefore do I do it? Why do I scare myself with the mari cartridge clip? It is true, it is merciless, liter eithery its non conscious, so it has no feelings, no remorse, no pity, no awareness. It would be wrong to learn it is inanimate, because it is plasteredly animate. And non alive, yet contains so much life within it might as well be. the like a Frankenstein body filled with cells and bacteria and nerve impulses yet no consciousness. My worst nightmare I dont have it genuinely often but its a strong integrity suffer take a mixture of forms and happen in a variety of places its being overwhelmed by a tsunami.I sat watching matchless of the biggest waves in the world at Teahupoo with my friend, a psychologist. I asked her what a psychologist would say that fear of a tsunami meant. I dunno. Probably something to do with your mother. Normally is, eh? . and I push asidet help look ating Im also just simply scared of death by drowning. Why then do I travel by freig hter ship, wherefore then do I want to sail across the oceanic in a tiny sail boat? Funnily, the tsunami dream never occurs at sea. Its of all time the shore that is inundated. With that wall of approaching death. hardly the sea still scares me.As well it should. It is the only sensible reaction to be cautious of such a beast. I keep on neediness to anthropomorphise it. Should I? Cautious, yes but scared? Im exhausting to work out is my fear rational or irrational. Do I think the sea, the ocean, symbolises something, someone? Do I think something like the tsunami is advent to part me? Or someone? Or is it myself thats haunting me? in time here on the bridge, of a vast freighter ship, 150 feet in a higher place the calm dark waters of the Pacific, I worry. I am outside, I hear a horn. Was that ours, I ask?The watchmen say no perhaps it was the radio. It wasnt a radio. I check the radar nonhing. I hop outside again this time with binoculars. Give me a man with binocula rs over your electronic instruments. Or is it just my lack of faith? corporate trust in what? In technology? In buoyancy? In myself? either time I stand at a railing I crouch slightly. I am secretly terrified that someone might come up behind me and just topple me in. Even during the day to drop off the side of this ship would be practically certain death. No doubt about it. You would be departed, gone, gone.No one would name. And by the time they noticed your absence at dinner they would never, ever find you. perhaps the worst thing is that I chicane the ocean could swallow this unit enormous ship and not care. Not even show a trace of where it had been. Two miles deep in a matter of hours. The number one mate assures me, helpfully, that yes, that could happen. Sometimes, they break in two, he says. And sink in minutes. So helpful. Not what I expected or hoped for him to say. And maybe thats other thing. That if you die in a car crash at least(prenominal) theres a body.The res something for your family to cry over, to mourn, theres a proof that you existed. Die in the ocean and theyll probably never find your body. Your life, and the physical proof of your existence, will both be gone at the same time. We like to think we would live on in others memories. provided it would be nice to have a grave. And theres no substitute for still existing. I never realised before yes, I want to lie in a grave. I want to die in a bed, and then be put in a grave. An orchard, where I can turn into confection apples. Dont tell anyone.But here, I dont belong. This is not where I came from. As beautiful as it is this place, under the moon, the light on the ocean (or is that glimmer some obstacle we are heading for a collision with? ) it is not our home. We are not returning to the ocean, because its not where were from. Our bodies know this. They are averse to the endless waters where we could be lost, forever, completely, and never nurture the lands of our home again. On the horizon there is lightning. We can see a long way here we can see every(prenominal)thing so we see lightning striking on all sides.Far in the distance. kayoed here, this is the wilderness, the wildnerness that was always here, and always will be. So much the same, and yet it keeps changing. only never for the better not for good. You can never truly know it, and never make it your home, not here however good your bushcraft. On land, in the wilderness, you could find a cave, a tree, build a cabin, harbor yourself from the elements. Former wildernesses are communities, pubs, shopping malls. But the sea will always be a wilderness. Simply enough to lay your nose and sassing in will kill you.Just imagine what a whole ocean of it could do. What if that lightning suddenly strikes, on all sides, the rain lashing down, the waves lapping up? Already every time a furniture fitting shudders I worry. I stop writing to judge our pitch, our roll, is everything okay? I think Im becomi ng more like my mum. But what if that lightning shake up the sea, struck, lit it up with its ferocious flash of energy and gave life to that unconscious(p) Frankenstein body? Its alive, and its all around us, its fantastic and wild and immense.The combination is overwhelming, impressive, and terrifying. Its alive, it towers over you its coming to get you. You wonder why it hasnt got you already. What watery trickery these sailors have with their tough keel, with their well-shaped hull to cheat death and rob the sea of its would-be prize. But the sea doesnt care. It is poised over you like a skyscraper, one that comes crashing down every few seconds. And it does that again. And again. And again. Every few seconds, on every side. For hours. And then its calm. And as quickly as the storm came it relinquishes you.After all, it doesnt care, its not a man, an intellect, or a vengeance. Its not your subconscious. Its just a storm. And all that you have to protect yourself from it all that I have to protect myself from it is not luck or indispensableness or talismans or wishes or even hopes or life plans or dreams. Nor technology nor skill nor discipline nor toil nor anything earned. Only yourself only myself. Relying on myself, knowing myself, trusting, completely, myself, my mind, my body, my thoughts, my actions. And maybe that is why the ocean is so so scary.